After a holiday week, I always get such an itch to get back to our routine and our work. The last few months as I have jumped back into this whole motherhood and entrepreneur thing I have found it hard to remain focused, clear headed, and passionate about a direction. Things such as this don’t always show up on the pages of the blog, but they have been very real parts of my work/life balance. I have struggled to know where to direct myself at times since having Hayes. I probably could toss it up to the fact we haven’t had consistent care options with him because of moving and traveling and I have fit work in and between naps or in the evenings. It has been both wonderful and difficult in the same breathe. This means that working in 1-2 hour blocks is sometimes the most consistent work I can get, which means it is hard to do much beyond checking the to-do list. There hasn’t been a lot of time to work beyond the list and sometimes the list barely gets touched if something else takes priority. The lack of clarity and focus has been probably the most difficult process of being a mom this year.
I vowed over the break to really spend some time on myself. Mike’s parents have wanted some much needed grandparent time and we even slipped away for a short stay in Austin one night. I had been looking forward to spending some time as what I would consider “my old self” or this may also be known as just being off-duty. It was wonderful to get in the car, sit side-by-side with Mike and feel like ourselves again. You never how much you need and miss those things till they can happen again. This last week of vacation has left me much clearer and focused on my dreams, goals, and desires for my career in a way I feel I haven’t been in the last year. I feel a fire under my feet again and clarity I have been longing for that has felt always slightly out of reach. I needed this time more than I realized, and believe me, I thought I realized it.
So as I head into this new week and the last month of the year I feel it is so fitting that this is the month the fire has come back in my heart. This year has been a wild one full of change and has been a constant process of evolving and learning. Nearly everyday since having Hayes, I have felt as if everything is about feeling my way in the dark (sometimes quite literally) in every aspect of my life. I expected to feel that way about being a mother, but not as an entrepreneur as well. The last year I have felt what I loved doing (running the blog) has been more of a checklist item on my list everyday and I felt mentally disconnected from it, thus I felt my work wasn’t my best. I knew in my heart I could do better and I don’t do well when I don’t feel I am doing my best, it is my nature especially when it comes to my goals and passions. I am absolutely okay with failing, but only if I know I tried my hardest. I am okay with not being the best, but I am not okay if my work isn’t the best I know I can do. There were moments this year I felt the magic come back, but in all honesty, it has been hard to find a way to get back to my clear and driven self the way I had hoped I would have by now.
One night after Mike and I got in a fight and we realized where things were not working, Mike said to me, you cannot place 100% of yourself in every place in your life all at once, but you can choose to be 100% in specific places at specific times. Since that day I have been working to find a way to focus where I put 100% of myself instead of trying to do 100% everywhere in my life all at once. I have started to feel more focused and relaxed in this role as I have slowly and gracefully practiced this over the last month (yes it has taken me nearly this whole year to really find this wisdom and brought into my life properly).
I have vowed as we walk away from this refreshing week of being off to begin today by releasing, relaxing, and chasing my passions and dreams as they have become less foggy and far clearer than they have been in a while.
I hope you may be beginning this final month of the year feeling something similar in your own way.
How was your break? What did you do to celebrate?
Finally, we were supposed to release a Working Together episode today, but I was sick for a portion of the holiday and it took quite a bit of time to get back to normal so we didn’t have the adequate time to prep for this episode that we wanted. We didn’t want to half-ass it for you because it is a great topic (Getting to the Core of Your Story) so we will be posting it next Monday instead. Sorry about that, but we want to make sure each episode is great for you guys.