He runs over the moment I start walking down the stairs from being in the office working all day. He squeals and smiles and it fills me up knowing how excited he is to see me after 6 or so hours apart. My heart fills to the brim and I think how can there be any more love than this? My day is filled continually from loving on him to pursuing my dreams. I have an abundance of love, learning, to-dos, cuddles, books to read, laundry, and pages to color in my life that I never had before all because of the pitter patter of him in our lives. Motherhood is no doubt a life of abundance in ways I never thought possible.
When Hayes came home with us, we felt overwhelmed by the abundance of emotions, things to learn, the changes within our lives. Over time that abundance began to look different. Work was tossed back in and we had to learn to find balance within it all. The learning curves lessened and shifted, but the abundance never went away. I wondered at what point it would even out, but I now know that the day I learned I was pregnant I began a journey of understanding and learning the beauty of abundance in our lives.
Oh, how thankful I am for those learning curves and the tackling of some of the hardest moments of my life as I walked through the first year of motherhood. At times it felt crushing and impossible, which is something that can come with a life that is full of change and new things, but just like anything in life we learn to find places for it all in our lives. We learn to tread water in the storm till we can handle these new parts of ourselves.
Now, the abundance I feel is different. Motherhood feels more like it fits and has found its place within who I am. Instead these days, I feel the abundance of love and joy watching him and growing a deep relationship with him. Watching him learn to handle his emotions and the routine of life is amazing. I feel so lucky to have the responsibility of teaching him how to be a good human are such gifts in motherhood. These are the moments of abundance in motherhood that feel so beautiful and overwhelming in the same breathe.
From the spilled piles of crayons that indicate a day of creativity and learning.
From the strewn blocks in the living room that mean he built towers.
From the clothes that got wet from discovering the hose that now hang on the backs of chairs in the dining room that mean he learned about a simple task in the day.
From the marks of splattered food I find in the kitchen that mean he learned about a new food.
From the sloppy wet kiss after a day of teaching him the word no that mean I might have done something right.
From the piles of laundry from days in the dirt that mean he discovered the world around him.
From the piles of unorganized books on the floor before bed that mean a moment of connection and learning to slow down before we go to bed.
From the bath toys found still in the tub the next morning that mean lessons still need to be learned.
From the dirty shoes leaving sand all over the entry after a trip to the house site that mean we are making memories that will last forever as we write our family story.
From the toy I trip on after getting him to bed that means we laughed really hard as we tossed the ball around the kitchen while cooking dinner together.
From the way he brings books and sits on my lap that mean I am a place of comfort and learning for him.
From the cuddles we have just before bed holding him in my arms right before kissing him goodnight that mean a love I never knew possible.
From the stressful hunt for a child care centre and school programs that mean I am growing in this process too.
From the guilt I have some days for leaving him with a sitter that mean I am learning too and challenging myself in this process.
From the way he laughs at me when I laugh that mean he is learning to have a sense of humor.
From the way he hugs others that means he knows the feeling of receiving hugs from us.
From the dirty trays of food after lunch and dinner that mean he is fed and happy.
From the way he holds my hand when he is scared that means I am his safe place.
From the stains on the floor I cannot seem to get out that mean he is present in our life and that is greater than a life without stains.
I never knew the feelings I would have as a mother or how overwhelming it would be at times. I also never expected to find such joy in messes and things out of place even when it drives me crazy. I never knew that a mess could mean so much more to me. Who thought a pile of dirty laundry could bring such joy?
There are so many ways abundance happens in motherhood and my gosh how it can be stifling at times, but how it can also be a reminder of how life is best lived in the present moment. Even amongst the piles of laundry, the sleepy mornings, the exhausting afternoons, the messy meal times, the sloppy kisses, the 20th time of reading a book about trucks that day, and wondering when I might find time for work, there is no way I would give any of it up or wish it away to not have him on my hip or holding my hand. The beauty of abundance in motherhood may be the most surprising and wonderful part in this journey.